After All Is Said And Done
by pfyre1
Summary: Sometimes the truth needs to be told.


**A/N: **After watching episode 7 of Torchwood: Miracle Day 'Immortal Sins', I was struck once again by what a damned good job John Barrowman has done bringing Captain Jack Harkness to life in all his depths and contradictions and layers. The scene where he told Angelo: "_I have this friend. He's called the Doctor. He explores the world with a companion…. It looks nice._" - the tears in Jack's eyes, the emotions layered in his voice. It was driven home to me just how much Jack loves the Doctor and just how poorly he's been treated in return. The muse latched on and ran with it. This will be AU whether I post it today [not knowing the details of the final three episode of MD] or at the end of MD when all the secrets and details are revealed - so I'm going for it with this, getting it done and out there and posted. Lori has been a wonderful sounding board and as always my PiaP is my beta reader extraordinaire. She truly helps make me sound so much more literate. Any remaining errors are my own.

**Feedback:** Feedback is highly encouraged. Flames will be ignored.

ooOoo

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**After all is said and done….**

ooOoo

'Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.' w.b. yeats

ooOoo

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After all was said and done, Jack had made certain Gwen was safely back in Wales with her family and Esther and Rex were happily ensconced in the small office building he had bought decades ago. It always eventually paid off having bolt-holes to dive into during an emergency or even property ready for use when circumstances changed. Shapiro had talked about bringing both Rex and Esther back into the CIA fold as it were but in the end both Americans realized they would never again be truly satisfied reporting to the echelons of CIA and government. As bona fide members of Torchwood, they would be financially secure, have access to the highest levels of government and private sector secrets and could work to keep the world safe.

Since Torchwood was acknowledged if not completely appreciated by most of the world governments, Jack had decided the new base would be in Virginia near Washington, D.C. using the property he had been camping out in at the start of the disaster known as Miracle Day. The British and American governments had included them in their 'black budgets' so they had the resources to set up a proper operation. Eventually, Jack figured they would bring in a small handful of people to help cover operations. Even if the Rift in Cardiff was closed there were plenty of unusual and sometimes even alien situations that Torchwood would now be able to step in and handle properly. Hell, they not only had their own black SUVs - without 'Torchwood' emblazoned on them - they now had their own private jet at their call.

And now six weeks out from the return of normalcy to the world, Jack knew he should have felt, if not happy, at least pleased that everything had worked out in the end. Problem was with the end of the adrenaline-high of the stakes during Miracle Day, exhaustion dogged him at every turn. Even with the return of his immortality and speeded up healing, he could not seem to shake the lethargy that settled on him. Rex was out on the west coast checking out reports of unusual activity in the wake of the successful termination of the Miracle Day project. Esther was providing him with intel and back-up with the local police on alert as needed as she worked with Jack to figure out the best equipment and set up for the new site.

The building was structurally sound even if the exterior looked like it had seen better days. Jack kind of liked that as a camouflage for their headquarters. Torchwood might be back in business but this time around they were going to be flying under the radar as much as possible and still do their jobs. He and Esther discussed ways to make the ground floor another layer of disguise, perhaps setting up a dummy business in the storefront. For a brief moment or two Jack had been unable to clear the image of the old Tourist Shop in Cardiff with Ianto behind the counter. Damn, his emotions had been all over the place since his return to immortal status.

Esther had noticed his sudden hesitation, his reticence and asked if he was okay with the idea. He had covered with the excuse that he was tired and had a headache after dealing with U.N. and NATO officials most of the afternoon via video conference. The young woman had accepted his explanation but quickly went and got him a fresh cup of coffee from their new Tassimo coffeemaker and a bottle of Tylenol.

"Why don't we finish this up in the morning?" Esther tucked a lock of hair behind her ear as she smiled at Jack. "I've got some more research to do for Rex before I go home for the day."

"Sounds good." He popped a couple of the caplets into his mouth and washed it down with the coffee. As coffee went, it was pretty good, but… He fiercely clamped down on that train of thought. "Is he okay on his own out there?"

"Yeah, he's fine." Esther brought up her latest search screens. "It looks like it's mostly harmless but one of the local cops is partnering with him for back-up."

"Good." He rubbed his forehead and stood up. "I think I'll pop up to the roof for some fresh air. If you need me…." He indicated his wrist strap and Esther nodded. Rex and Esther had quickly come to understand that rooftops were a favorite place for Captain Harkness. Their only request from him was that he be available if they needed him. He had helped Esther set up the program that would allow direct contact with him via his personal wrist device.

"I'm going to order some food. You want me to order you anything?" Esther was sorting through a small stack of menus from local establishments. When he hesitated, she continued, "If you've got a headache some food might help."

"Yeah, I guess that sounds good." He grabbed his coat and headed for the stairwell. "You know what I like. I trust you." And she did. They had spent months traveling together and she had nurse-maided him back to health when he'd been mortal. "Buzz me when the foods about to be delivered. I'll go downstairs to grab it and take care of the bill."

"You don't have to Jack." Esther called after him. "It was my idea. I can pay too, you know." He just waved as he disappeared into the stairwell.

The building was nine stories with three more basement levels. With a proper overhaul and maintenance, the elevators were back in service within the first ten days that they moved in to set up the new Torchwood. But Jack preferred the stairs when he was not pressed for time. As this area was just outside the main urban sprawl around D.C., the new Torchwood was one of the taller buildings. Jack loved the roof. It gave him a great view of the neighborhood.

It would be years before Torchwood would be in need of the entire building so the top couple of floors had been designated residences. He was now living in a converted corner office suite on the ninth floor next door to a stairwell entrance. Back when they had the elevator system overhauled, he had arranged for a contractor to come in and handle in a week's time a complete renovation of the set of rooms at the far end of the floor. He now had a small bedroom with its own ensuite connected to a slightly larger open-library/office/lounge/kitchen area. It was pretty compact and when Rex and Esther got a look at Jack's intentions for his personal apartment they voiced their concerns over the tiny size. But he had assured them he was fine with the size, in fact he preferred it. Rex and Esther both had turned down the opportunity to take up residence on the upper floors as well - even with Jack assuring them they could have as much space as they might ever want as their own. Rex had a condo in the D.C. area and Esther had an apartment she loved.

He gave the camera at the access door a brief wave and he knew that Esther would be turning off the rest of the security cams on the roof for the duration. He could do it himself from his wrist strap but mostly he trusted Esther's discretion. Drawing in a deep breath, he walked to the waist-high ledge around the perimeter and looked up. The early evening sky was cloudless and even with the city's light pollution it was possible to make out a portion of the stars as they appeared overhead. The air was cool and crisp; it hinted at the swift approach of autumn.

Sometimes, especially at night under the cover of darkness, it almost felt as if he were alone in the world, the universe. Jack let himself relax a little, allowed his mind to wander as bits and pieces of the day, recent days skittered past his mind's eye. Just when he was about to glance at his pocket watch to check the time, the hairs on the back of his neck stood on end. Whirling, he pulled his gun and had it cocked and aimed in a heartbeat.

"Whoa! Jack!" The man standing behind him had his hands raised in surrender and a faintly worried look in his eyes. "It's me!"

"'It's me' - who?" Jack frowned. There was something about the man that made his gut clench. He would have done a quick scan with his wrist strap but that meant taking his eyes off the stranger - even if the stranger knew his name. He relaxed the tension on the trigger infinitesimally. "Wait-"

"You know, Jack." The man smiled briefly and dropped his hands.

"You've changed." Jack uncocked the gun, set the safety and reholstered it. "Again…. Doctor."

"Yeah, well that's what a Time Lord does." Jack took in the man standing before him. The light above the access door gave him more than enough illumination to see the changes. This Doctor was a few inches shorter than the last, though just as skinny, almost gangly. He had a more youthful face, less lines but there was something more mature, older in his eyes.

"Right." Jack gave a quick glance around. "Where'd you park the TARDIS? I didn't hear you arrive."

"Ah, well I've fixed a few things." The Time Lord grinned again and snapped his fingers and on the far corner of the rooftop Jack saw a sliver of light as the door opened to the Doctor's time machine. "See." He snapped his fingers again and the door closed and the TARDIS was invisible to the naked eye.

"I do." Jack gave a quick glance to his wrist and the scans showed a humanoid with two hearts in front of him and the strong and very distinctly recognizable energy signature of the TARDIS. "No companion? Still traveling alone?"

"Ah - Amy and Rory wanted a bit of time to themselves. I've dropped them off for a brief holiday at Sirius Minor." The doctor gave a quick glance around the rooftop and a pointed glance to the access door. "I'll collect them in a few days - their time."

"So what brings you here, Doctor?" Jack swept his hand to their surroundings. "Surely this isn't where you'd want to holiday."

"Are we being monitored here?"

"Nope." Jack quirked an eyebrow at the Doctor. The man usually didn't give a damn over who might overhear. "But let me just tell Esther to hold onto my dinner for a bit." He tapped a swift key sequence and spoke into his wrist device. "Esther, do you think you could just hold onto my dinner when it arrives?"

"Is everything okay, Jack?"

"It's fine. I just need a little alone time…. You know." He felt the Doctor scrutinizing him.

"If you're certain…."

"Yep, I should be down in awhile. If you leave before then, you can leave it in the fridge. I'll warm it up back in my hovel." He grinned. Despite the renovation and update, Rex had dubbed Jack's apartment a hovel because of its size and the name had stuck.

"All right then…. I'll be here for a bit, Rex asked me to check into some leads for him."

"Don't stay too late. You need your rest too."

"Yes, Boss."

"'Night, Esther."

"'Night, Jack."

He moved to settle against the cement ledge and waited.

"Jaack-?" the Doctor fairly drawled his name.

"Yes?"

"I've told you before that you're a unique and impossible thing."

"I've been called worse."

"Yes, I'm sure you have." The Doctor turned and paced a few feet and then retraced his steps. "Because of what-who you are, the TARDIS and I are kind of subliminally aware of you nearly all the time."

"Okay…." Jack could not quite figure out why the Doctor seemed to be beating around the bush. But with a sudden moment of insight, he-

"Jack, just a short time ago by your current timeline, something happened." The Doctor had stopped pacing and was facing him. He was mostly in shadow, but Jack could read by his body language that he was clearly unhappy.

"A lot of things have happened, Doctor." Jack knew what he was getting at now but he was not going to make it easy. "Anything in particular-"

"You stopped pinging us! You stopped BEING that fixed point in time and space!" The Doctor paused, clearly waiting for Jack to confirm.

"Yes." When Jack did not elaborate, the Doctor gave a huff.

"So what happened?" He waved his hands in Jack's direction. "You were mortal - yes?"

"Yes."

"And now clearly you're back to being immortal once again - a fixed point in time and space - wrong…."

"Yes." Jack crossed his arms and kept his emotions in check for the moment.

"Sooo-what? What happened to the 'Can you fix me?' plea from Utopia at the end of the universe?" Doctor sounded angry, accusing. "What was it too difficult to be mortal again? Too hard to face the possibility of a final death?" When Jack did not respond, the rant continued. "Or did you decide that the universe just couldn't do without you? You were too important?" After another minute or so of the Doctor reading him the riot act, Jack tuned it out. He settled in to wait, letting his own anger simmer.

"-well?... Are you even listening to me, Jack?" He tuned back in with the Doctor fairly in his face demanding a response.

"Yes-no-" He cut himself off and shrugged. "Sort of." The Doctor threw up his hands in obvious disgust and stomped away. He turned back to Jack with his hands on hips but he did not say anything. "Are you done?" Even in the minimal lighting of the rooftop, he could see the exasperation in the Time Lord's features, in his body language.

"I suppose-"

"Good!" Jack stood and moved purposefully towards the Doctor and backed him up against one of the ledges. "Now it's my turn." He wanted to scream at the Doctor. He wanted to scream at the TARDIS and the Time Vortex and at Rose and…. But for the moment, he dug in and held his composure. "Where've you been recently? Did you ever think to check what was happening on Earth during my time here?"

"Well of course I-"

"No, Doctor, I'm not buying it this time." He kept his voice low and as neutral as possible in an effort to control the anger that was boiling inside of him. "You're always promising to be there when things get bad. You're very much in love with the image of you and the TARDIS with companion in tow swooping in to save the day. Martha Jones, former companion, calls for help and you rush in to solve the problem. Sarah Jane Smith, former companion, in need of help, you're right there to lend a hand. I'm sure you'd move heaven and Earth and the Time Vortex to help Rose if she needed you." Jack took a deep breath to steady himself. He needed to get all of this out. It needed to be said.

"I-" Jack cut the Doctor off with a flick of his hand.

"Do you even know why I was at that space bar trying to drown myself in enough alcohol to forget about things for even a little while?"

"But Alonzo-" He did not allow the Doctor to continue.

"No, Doctor, dropping a pretty boy nearly in my lap to warm my bed and maybe scratch an itch doesn't really cut it when I was running away from what had happened on Earth… from what destroyed Torchwood 3 in Cardiff!" He leaned in close the Doctor. "Do you recall a race referred to by Earth as the 456?" The Doctor blinked and then finally nodded.

"You do recall that they visited Earth back in 1965?" He saw the blankness in the Doctor's eyes. "Or how about when they paid the Earth a return visit in 2009?" Again, no response. "Well, Doctor, in 1965 they blackmailed the British government into trading a dozen kids for a cure to a flu that would've killed twenty-five million." Jack paused and then added, "And yeah, I helped. Figured in the big picture twelve orphans was a fair exchange to save so many." The Doctor frowned and opened his mouth, but Jack pushed on. "Problem was when the 456 returned in 2009 they upped the ante to demanding a full ten percent of the world's population of children or they would destroy the whole human race. They wanted children because to the 456 they were the ultimate recreational drug!"

"But the Shadow Proclamation-"

"Do you think anyone on this planet then or even at this very moment knows how to invoke that proclamation? Well, other than you and me that is. And I don't have any authority to enforce or even call upon the proclamation on my own." Jack took another deep breath to ground himself.

"But I could've-"

"You could've what, Doctor?" He rounded on the Time Lord. "Called on the Shadow Proclamation to protect the Earth, a level 5 planet, from interference by the 456?... Damn right, you COULD have. But you weren't here! Hell, Gwen asked me where you were and why couldn't you help and I had nothing to tell her!"

"But things worked out all right in the end-"

"All right in the end? All right? ALL RIGHT?" He clenched his hands in an effort to stop himself from physically shaking the oblivious man in front of him. "If 'all right' includes the Torchwood 3 Hub and me being blown up…. I can still recall in excruciating, painful detail how long it took for my body to reform, the nerves regenerating, the flesh and bone reconstituting. But that really wasn't the worst of it, Doctor." He pulled a deep shuddering breath and held it trying to calm his body and his emotions. "The worst of it included losing Ianto Jones, my lover, to a virus released by the 456 - a teaser of what they would do the rest of the world if their demand were not complied with. Then to top the pile of 'worst' or was that just another part of 'all right'?... Whatever - the topper was sacrificing Steven, my grandson, with his mom pleading and screaming as she watched in order to stop the 456, to drive them away from the planet. And it was MY choice, MY decision. What could I do? If I had made any other choice millions of children would have been delivered to the 456 and you and I know it would only be a matter of time before they would've been back demanding more! So I lost not only my lover and friend, but my grandson and my daughter wants nothing to do with me - ever! And I can't say I even blame her!" His hands were shaking as he recalled the devastation he had faced after the 456 left. How traveling the planet had not given him enough distance to heal and how finally he had escaped to the stars.

"That was why I was at the bar trying to drink my body weight in alcohol." He was back to a deadly, quiet voice. "Alonzo was a beautiful, kind young man and we did share a brief time together. But-" He held up a finger at the Doctor. "-that doesn't even begin to approach helping me deal with what happened. Helping me put it all into perspective; put it behind me - helping me grieve." He stepped back a few paces and then finally returned.

"Jack, I didn't-"

"And now you come here to scold, berate me about being immortal again?"

"I nev-"

"Don't!" Jack spat at the man. "Just don't! Okay?" He ran a hand through his hair. "Newsflash, Doctor! I did NOT choose to be immortal this time any more than I chose the first time!" He glared at the alien. "Don't even try to deny it! You-" He stabbed a finger at the Doctor. "Since the first moment Rose brought me back on the Game Station, you've acted as if _I_ somehow chose for it to happen! That _I_ brought it on myself. You abandoned me on a station filled with dead bodies! You explained that you were suffering from regeneration sickness and I 'get' that I really do, but…. Do you have any idea what it was like for me to run to the control center only to see the TARDIS fading out of sight? Any idea at all?" Even after all this time, it still hurt like a knife to the heart.

"I was wrecked. But I consoled myself figuring you probably thought I was dead. I even thought at first you might come back and at least to perform some sort of burial rites for a fallen comrade. Because I fully believed that I was a comrade, a companion - someone I thought you cared about. I went willingly into a doomed fight to delay the advance of the Daleks so you could finish the Delta Wave Generator to save the universe from an invasion of those monsters. I knew there wasn't much we could possibly hope to do beyond delaying them for a short time. I knew I was going to die and I went willingly because it was the right thing to do. You taught me to do the right thing - even if it was hard, even if it meant I would die." He released a shuddering breath.

"When after a month, you still had not returned I managed to use my vortex manipulator to transport myself down to the planet and back in time. It was a damned rough ride, one in retrospect I'm not certain I survived, and unfortunately I overshot as you are aware and had to wait more than a century for you to show up in an incarnation I could safely interact with. We already discussed how I muddled on and discovered my new found inability to stay dead. So when you finally do show up - which was after Abaddon had put in an appearance and the only way to destroy it was for me to feed it my overabundance of life-force. I really thought I might finally really die doing that and it was a whole new level of agony by the way. So you show up and I try to connect with you only to have you slam the TARDIS into the time vortex to escape from me!" He looked at the Time Lord.

"In the midst of you telling me that I'm wrong and that you and the TARDIS can't stand to be near me we end up in the middle of the mess with the Master and the start of the Year That Never Was. Again I do the right thing and give Martha my Vortex Manipulator and figure I can act as a distraction until you can defeat the Master. If you think about it, there was no reason I couldn't have been the one on that year long journey to unite the world behind you, except that Martha would have been tortured instead of me and I couldn't bear to even think about that." Jack closed his eyes for a moment.

"I love Martha and her family. Tish, Francine and Clive were the only ones that were allowed to interact with The Freak that didn't involve torture, mutilation and death. I don't know if I would have been sane at the end of it all if they hadn't been there for me whenever possible. So the Master was defeated and then killed and you showed him more consideration and compassion than…." His throat closed up for a moment, but he swallowed roughly and plowed ahead. "Everyone was happy and no one except those of us on the Valiant remembered that year. I wish…. I still have nightmares of that hellish year…. So I go back to Cardiff and rejoin my team as we fight the good fight for the sake of humanity."

"But working for Torchwood was/is a fast track to an early grave and eventually even most of that team was dead and the Cardiff Torchwood Hub was destroyed." Pausing, he licked his lips and briefly wished he'd brought his coffee with him. "Since there was a single member of my team left, I eventually decided there are better things to do than to try to pickle my liver and I came back to Earth to watch over Gwen Cooper, to make certain she and her family were safe." He realized the Doctor was listening and he hoped, god he really hoped the Time Lord was taking on board what he was hearing.

"Now getting back to my change from immortal to mortal and then back…." He paused ordering his thoughts again. "By the way, Doctor, what do you know of the Miracle Day incident with your Time Lord perspective? Where have you been for the last year in this timeline?"

"Miracle Day? Not much really. I recall seeing it mentioned in passing." The Doctor shrugged. "Amy, Rory and I have been dealing with a lot of things and I guess we were elsewhere during the last year or so."

"Right." Jack nodded. "How about the Sheldrake Theory and morphic fields?" At the blank look from the Doctor, he explained about Miracle Day and how morphic fields were used and the devastating effect it had on the entire planet. "So it was immortality without all the good benefits. Everyone was still aging as before and if you were near death you hovered in a sort of indefinite limbo. Hell, Doctor, I saw a man who had blown himself up with a bomb strapped to his chest…." He swallowed hard. Some of these things struck a little too close to home. "When his body was recovered it was mostly bone with bits of tendon and muscle and fragments of burnt skin. There wasn't much left of his head. There was a huge gaping hole in his skull and no brain tissue that I could see, BUT he was still alive! He opened his eyes and looked at me! I don't know to this day how much consciousness, how much coherency was involved but he was very much alive - undying. As you can imagine the entire world was in chaos. The population continued to grow and people no longer died and resources were being strained. Torchwood - Gwen and I were yanked back into the thick of things as the ones responsible for the fiasco had labeled me and Torchwood as dangerous and needing to be eliminated." He moved to lean against the ledge a few feet from the Doctor.

"In case you hadn't guess by now, when the whole planet became immortal I was suddenly mortal! I mean I got what I'd been dreaming of for so very long. When I died I would be gone forever, for good! But the price for it - the wrong sort of immortality bestowed on the planet was too high. Beyond that, I know from experience that immortality is not something to be wished upon even my worst enemies." He closed his eyes as the events of those awful days, months replayed themselves in his head. "It was a conspiracy on a level I had never experienced before and it seemed for every step forward we made we were knocked backward on our asses. But we plowed ahead; we pushed and pushed and pushed. An assassin poisoned me with arsenic. Rex had a madman stick a pen into his chest which had been healing from being impaled. Gwen-" He cut himself off from what he wanted to say. "Gwen's dad was diagnosed a category one and her family was held hostage." He rubbed his chest. "Then I was badly injured. I thought I really was going to die but Esther, the sweet, naïve and all too innocent CIA analyst saved me and managed to nurse me back from the brink of death. Nothing like nearly dying - REALLY dying to make you appreciate life, want to hold onto it with both hands."

"Jack-" He held up a hand to stop the Doctor.

"Oh, believe me, I had plenty of time to consider what was happening to me and what choice I would make if and when the time came. Die once and for all or live forever. Hell of a choice, but as I'd already offered my life both as a mere mortal and too many times to count as the impossible, wrong thing I'd become I knew there was really only one right choice. But the universe is a perverse and sadistic bitch, Doctor. Someone out there probably had a great laugh at poor, stupid ape Jack Harkness thinking he could choose." He sighed. "At the end as we struggled to reverse the miracle and return the world to the way it should be, should always have been, I was dying. My blood, my own original immortality linked me to it. Things got a bit fuzzy for me but it came down to that in order to reverse the immortality dropped on the planet I had to return to what I had been before - the impossible, wrong thing. Rex and Esther reversed the morphic field and then destroyed the node in Buenos Aires and Gwen destroyed the one in Shanghai."

The roof was silent. In the distance there were sounds of traffic and even a siren trailing away. The waning moon had risen adding its light to the scene.

"So, Doctor, you tell me. Don't you think the events happening with the 456 or with Miracle Day were something you _should_ be concerned with? You're always telling me and everyone else how Earth is quite your favorite planet and how much you like us stupid apes." Jack's voice was once again quiet and controlled. "Would've figured the 456 interfering with a level 5 planet protected by you and the Shadow Proclamation would've been something you would've checked out. Or that something like the perverted, wrong sort of immortality dropped like a bomb onto humanity - a disaster by all accounts and something that could've put the planet and humanity in a state that could never be recovered from would be something you would concern yourself over." He raised an eyebrow as he turned to look at the Doctor.

"Well, yes," the Doctor began, "generally I would, but I was tied up elsewhere and things got handled well enough by you and your team-"

"Bullshit! That is just so much fucking bullshit, Doctor! The truth of the matter is your prejudice against me - me being the impossible and wrong thing that sets your skin to crawling - keeps you from even really giving any consideration to what's happening around me - to pretty much the whole damned planet as long as I'm anywhere nearby." The anger was back. "I suppose the planet and everyone here would be better off if I got myself well away because then you'd rush in to save the day and there'd one hell of a lot less death and destruction and chaos. I should offer them an apology and hitch a ride to some distant world with little to no population and less chance of bad things happening without you there to help save them." The anger and frustration brought tears to his eyes and filled his voice.

"I loved you so goddamned much, Doctor. It wasn't because you were a mythical Time Lord or gorgeous or smart or sexy. It wasn't just that I wanted to take you to bed - yeah it included that but it was so much more. It was because you were a good man - a good person - trying to save the innocents and put wrongs right. You had an infectious sense of adventure and wonder and fun. You yanked those in your wake along with you - your companions and even many of those you just encountered up to a higher standard. You gave me a second chance and you made me feel wanted and needed and cared for. You made me want to be a good man, a better man - someone you could be proud of. The TARDIS became my first real home in a very long time in my original lifetime." He pushed himself back to his feet. "Fuck!" He needed a little more space between him and the Doctor and he walked several paces away.

"I remade Torchwood to honor you, Doctor. Hell, even after I finally caught up with you and you told me I was wrong and then I ended up being tortured and killed for a year, I returned to Torchwood and my team and we tried to fight the good fight. I still tried to live up to your standards, to make you proud." He sighed. "But I probably should've taken a page from Martha's book and just got my head out my ass and really looked at things, really looked at you and what you meant to me and what I meant to you."

"Tell me, Doctor." He moved to stand in front of the Time Lord. "What the fuck did I do wrong? Or was there something just plain wrong about me from the start? Was it because I was a soldier? A Time Agent? A conman? Or was it just because I was a man? Have you always divided your treatment of your companions by gender?" The Doctor was just staring at him mouth open; no response coming. "Rose - young, beautiful, naïve and impressionable. Martha - striking, intelligent, resourceful, strong. Donna - smarter than she gave herself credit for, beautiful inside and out. Sarah Jane - truly the grand dame - still as stunning outside as in, smart, stubborn as she was when you first met her. Amy Pond - I don't know as much about her beyond a few rumors that she was a young girl when she met you and that she falls into the same cadre of beautiful, smart, impressionable, strong, young women who have kept you company over the years." He swallowed. Damn, all this talking was making him thirsty.

"I don't know of many male companions. Mickey was more a friend of Rose than an official companion. You always got his name wrong, even if he always came through in a pinch for you. There was Adam Mitchell. I never met him but from your comments and Rose's explanations later he was a smart young man without a lot of common sense and you rid yourself of him ASAP. This Rory you mentioned the reports are that he's Amy's husband and has proven himself over and over again to her and to you. I bet he's in it more for Amy than for you." He was exhausted and his headache was back with a vengeance, but there was still much that needed to be said.

"Bet you wouldn't carelessly dismiss Rose or Amy - if they had somehow revived after traveling through the vortex clinging to the outside of the TARDIS. Or sound bored and disgusted if they got electrocuted and revived or could somehow survive stet radiation in an attempt to save the last remnants of humanity at the end of the universe. Rose and Martha were gifted with special phones that let them contact you no matter the time or place. No doubt Amy has the same. Anyone of them - Rose or Sarah Jane or Martha or Amy or any of the other dozens of female companions died and somehow were resurrected - I can't see you running away from them ill from regeneration sickness or not. So it must just be me. I guess there was something wrong with me, something unworthy of your care and loyalty right from the start." He settled once again on the ledge a few feet from the Doctor. "I guess I was just too needy, too stupid, too blind to realize what was right in front of my face and the joke was on me…. Well, no longer. No longer." Jack closed his eyes and imagined he could just about make out the faint hum of the TARDIS in the far corner of the rooftop.

"Jack?" His eyes snapped open to find the Doctor standing in front of him; he hadn't heard the man move. "I'm… I'm sorry. I know that doesn't-"

"Just go, Doctor." His voice sounded rough with fatigue. "I don't owe you anything any longer - not explanations, not loyalty, not love…." He closed his eyes again and wished he could just go inside and retreat to his tiny haven. His hunger had vanished. He just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep for a few days, maybe a week.

"Jack, please?" He felt a hand on his shoulder, but he refused to open his eyes. "I - I guess I never really looked at it like that…. But you are wrong-" Jack opened his eyes then. "-in one aspect. You are most definitely worthy of all the loyalty and care and love that could ever be lavished on you. I'm the one that was-is wrong. And I am sorry I ever made you think or feel differently. I-"

"It's all right, Doctor." Jack reassured him. "I don't hate you. Hate takes too much energy and effort to maintain. I just - I don't know what I feel about you anymore… mostly numb I guess."

"I really am sorry, Jack. I-"

"Doctor, I've forgiven most of the people who have betrayed me over this endless lifetime. I might not forget but I do forgive. And sometimes I even manage to get past it all." His thoughts went to his team, his old team. "Sometimes not so much." They turned to a more recent betrayal.

"Do you think you can ever forgive me?" The Doctor almost sounded plaintive.

"Given enough time." He sighed, stood up and headed toward the access door. "Since I'm forever and you're a Time Lord with a time machine, I'd say it would be highly likely." Jack paused at the doorway and turned to look at the Time Lord. "Now, I'm a bit tired. I'm sure I'll see you around, Doctor." He nodded his head and stepped into the stairwell. Before he reached the exit to the ninth floor, the hum of the TARDIS faded from his awareness.

Using the controls on his wrist strap he restarted the security cameras on the roof before he stripped and climbed into bed. While the whole experience had been cathartic, it was damned draining. He slept straight through until morning, only waking when Esther buzz his wrist strap concerned he was not already in the office.

When he got to his desk a short time later, Jack discovered a gun-metal grey cell phone tucked into his top drawer. The post-it note stuck to is read: 'For emergencies.' Smiling softly, he stowed it in the lockbox he kept in his bottom drawer. After all was said and done, maybe things were finally looking up.

~el fin~

ooOoo

ooOoo


End file.
